August 26, 2005 (17 years old)

Hey, I'm up really early because of pain pills. I had my wisdom teeth out and I'm all drugged up, so i figured that I'd write a little bit to you. Wow, I've matured a lot since I started this. it's actually kind of amusing, because then I had all of these big ideas and now that I'm more "mature" I don't know anything, and I'll admit that.

Once again I don't know why I picked today to write, nothing amazing happened, nothing bad happened, it was just another day. Another boring day. I don't know. I was looking at dad's memory bin thing, that's really all that was different.

I'm happy to report that I've stayed very true with the "non-dating" thing since God helped me break off an unhealthy relationship earlier in February. I can't say that I haven't wanted to date, but I just have to trust that God'll bring you to me when the time is right. I mean, I'm only 17, that doesn't qualify as an old maid yet. I actually am a lot happier waiting for you now than I was before. I'm glad things were straightened out.

But geez! I've come to the conclusion that growing up is really, really hard work. And I hope that you've had just as much grace in your life as I have, and just as much luck too! I can't even imagine some of the things you've been through, simply because I am a girl and you are a guy. But my prayers are still with you, and always will be. I promise.

I figure that someday I'll see the effects of this journal and it makes it rewarding enough for me to sit here and love you in the midst of all kinds of unknowns- no matter what. Stubbornness is good for at least one thing, huh?

[prayer preserved in original book]

I know that my prayer will affect your life, and I'm very, very glad that God has given me this this- um- unusual desire for you. Apparently you are one rather special gentlemen, and not just in my eyes.

It's kind of funny I'm already 17 and legally I could be engaged really, really soon! I mean, my mother got engaged at 18, Heather just barely 19 and she's getting married in a year. That's soon. Half of me is bouncing up and down and can't wait, but it's nerve racking too to think that I could be so close to you and not really even know it yet. I mean, just a while ago I wrote about being scared to go to college and now I'm headed for the Art Institute of Pittsburgh after I graduate, and I can't wait! What a difference, like 5 months can make. That was only in March of this year. I guess I'll suppose that the marriage deal will be sort of the same thing. I'm apprehensive now, but when the time comes I'll be like a little Gabby in a chocolate shop. And we all know how excited I get about chocolate.

Now I just feel like talking. It's too bad you aren't sitting here next to me because then I could also keep you up at 2 in the morning right next to me.

I'll admit I'm not really certain what life holds, but I just had a thought that I've never had before. If you and I ever had a son, do you think we could name him after my dad? Sherman? I know it isn't a very popular name, but I've been told over and over that normal and predictable are boring. Now that I think about it, I really like the idea. Maybe we could even use Sherman Irving like my dad. I hope you'll be okay with this little revelation that I had, I think he'd be proud and it would really mean a lot to me to honor him like that, given the opportunity.

I'm getting ready for my senior year, which I know will fly by and each day brings me one step closer to you.

Know what? I was reminded of something tonight. I was reading the note my dad left for me, and he reminded me that my name means God is my strength. It's funny, but in retrospect, that's been, or had to be, my life's motto so far. My parents really knew what they were talking about. I mean, I have heard that names themselves can effect a person, but I just really realized how much they can. That's probably why, a lot of the time, in the Bible, God picked out names for his prophets and the like. I think that, that is very cool... it also could be because it's very late, and therefore I find everything "cool."

I feel very calm and close to you right now, and I like that feeling. It feels like God's looking over my shoulder onto these pages and I like that feeling.

Okay, I've convinced myself to go to sleep. I love you dear and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you and in your arms. Goodnight.