September 15, 2010

The one benefit of reading through & digitally transcribing this book for the blog is that I can see where I've left holes all these years. The blog is called "Letters to Him" and I'll launch it soon now that everything is backlogged. What? It's 2010... privacy doesn't exist anymore. Ok, my real reason for doing this is so that I might be able to inspire someone else to start writing to their future spouse. Clearly, I think it's a good idea and I really believe it'll make a difference for us in the long-run.

In reading through this, I realized there isn't a lot of things that are about who I am vs. only what I think/feel... especially post-high school. So here we go, a fact finding page for Gabby at 22.

- The last book I read through was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, for the third time

- The books I'm currently reading are "The Idiot" (Dostoyevesky) and "Les Miserables" (Hugo)

- I like vanilla cupcakes with vanilla frosting, I like vanilla cake with chocolate frosting

- If you asked me now, I'd want a square cut engagement ring

- I like to sleep in underwear and a T-Shirt

- I want to be fluent in Korean and German, along with English

- I wish I could be a vegetarian, because it's better for the planet

- If I had the money to do it, I'd go build houses in a third world country

- I want to have a baby someday

- Right now, I want to name a daughter Charlotte and call her Charlie or Chuck, and a son Hunter, Caleb or Sherman

- I wish I could never buy a car

- I have an obsessive personality

- The most played song on my itunes is "The Bitch of Living" with 181 plays

- If I could get away with ordering out all the time, I would

- It takes me significantly longer to read analog clocks when compared to digital

- I have never gotten a ticket or been pulled over

- If I was given a chance to appear on Broadway, I'd do anything they asked me to, to get on stage

- One of my great grandmothers was a prostitute

- I still feel like something is going to grab my feet from under the bed when I shut off the lights

- Never move back to where you grew up if nothing is keeping you there

- I get sad every time I hear a reference to NYC when I'm not expecting it

- I could probably make a lot of money on Wheel of Fortune or Who Wants to be a Millionaire

- I hate losing at game night

- I won't use incandescent light bulbs, I take them out and replace them

OK- enough fun facts for today.

I love you, madly

September 13, 2010 (22 years old)

You know darling, if you don't hurry things along you're going to make me have to buy a new book. How dare you? This book that is in such pristine condition- and so tasteful, and classic, and timeless. Blue glitter is forever :)

Tonight I was thinking. I might turn this little book into a blog. Maybe not a public one, but it might be nice to have the whole thing digitized where it can last a while, instead of lurking on these crumbling pages. Obviously I will still write to you here, in the book, but doesn't something with legible handwriting sound great?

In other news, I miss you. I haven't had a whole lot going for me since graduation... so now you have a great opportunity to pop up. 22 is a fantastic age to meet a spouse, right?

May 5, 2010

As you may have gathered, my Cinco de Mayo has not been incredibly noteworthy this year (as I sit here waiting for one of my computers to finish rendering one of my thesis perspectives)

I miss you, yes, it's possible. Last night/this morning, I had a terrible breakdown and I found myself wishing for nothing more than stability and comfort- 2 things I associate with you. Or, well, if not YOU you, then at least this book. It's been almost 8 years on my epic road to finding you and I have a sinking feeling that it might be several more years. I never wanted to be a single, career girl, it's not something that I've ever envisioned for me, but as each day marches on, it feels like that is the inevitable road I will be heading down... farther from you? closer to you? I'm not sure.

Can I tell you a secret? For years and years I've basically decided that if I ever have kids I wanted to adopt them. Recently, I've begun to have my own doubts about this but I won't admit it out loud. Right now, I have a really stong desire to have some of my own kids someday. I look at pregnancy and see this incredible supernatural bond between mother and child for 9 months. I'm not sure. Maybe it's just some biological clock ticking, telling me to reproduce so mankind can survive. Then again, maybe, just maybe it's something that's a little bit more than I'm willing to give it credit for at the moment. Don't worry, no craziness, I'm not in a rush or anything.

I hope our paths cross soon. I wonder if I'll know who you are when we meet? Probably not, I'm thick sometimes, at least half the time.

dear, I love you so much

[prayer preserved in the original book]

January 25, 2010 (21 years old)

Last semester wasn't a good time for me, as you might have noticed by the huge gap in communication. But my thesis book is now complete and graded (I got an A). So now I worry about the design for this semester.

If you're wondering, the inside of this book is still ripped clean off the cover, and almost a year later, I still need to buy glue to fix it. Pretty lazy if you ask me.

So, how do I feel? Can i be honest with you? Discouraged. I sit here and watch my friends make questionable decisions about their relationships or whatever, and I think, I'm 21 years old, how much longer can I actually wait for him without ever being with someone else? Every day it feels less and less feasible and realistic, but then I remember that actions have consequences and I resolve to wait longer. I mean, the sex is one aspect of it, and there are a lot of others. I just feel like its the most outward thing, and, I don't know, I hope you understand what I am saying. I'm not giving up, I'm just kind of discouraged about the whole idea.

July 23, 2009

I thought I'd have something more important to say to you on the 100th page of this long letter, but I don't. And I guess that is both the charm and the failure of this little book. How do you put something into words for someone you have never met? How can you write a letter to a question mark? I'm giving it my best effort, this is for sure, which is funny, because I can't even guarantee that you'll like what I've put in here. And I know it doesn't really matter, but I hope you really do like it.

I know I asked, a few pages ago, something like, whether or not you thought that a marriage could last with as much passion as it began with. I think I have an answer for you, at least what I believe to be true. At the risk of sounding simple or deluded, my answer is yes. Yes, I think it's possible for a marriage to go on and not only to sustain passion, but to create it.

And my reasoning is simple and probably full of holes, but I feel like its possible because if I love you this much already, without knowing who you are, and if my love can grow and hold on here, then how will it be possible for me to know you, look at you, to touch you, and not to have that love grow even stronger? Because of this, I have faith. Because of this, I'm madly in love with you.

May 27, 2009

It's been a while since i remembered what boredom felt like, but I'm back in Charleston and I can't get a decent job, have hardly any friends and absolutely no love interest, and nothing new seems to be on the horizon. On the up side, I've been seized with a fierce desire to paint. I'm not sure of what or on what this painting will become, but its nagging there, an undercurrent. I wish I could go and explore more freely but only traveling with your feet or a borrowed car doesn't afford much in the way of flexibility.

I feel like there's a bit of a void in me recently and I'm not completely happy. I'm just not exactly sure why. What is it that alludes me, I'm mystified! Maybe part of it is you, maybe I'm just romanticizing everything... A literary heroine, torn in two because she hasn't yet met the man devised by the author to complete her? I used to think I was stronger than that, now I'm not so sure. I don't like feeling unsure of myself. I'm almost at page 100... after that only 43 to go. So I've got a good 2-3 years left if I keep up the same pace that I have in the past. It's still hard to believe that I've written to you for seven years now. Seven years and three days. It's funny how I used to be so sure about this, about you, and somewhere down the line everything seemed to get all muddled and a little blurry. In that respect, growing up is sort of sad. I'm sure that when I'm 40, I'll look back on this and think the same thing, oh now sweet and naive... God, I hope not.

Goodnight, I'll save page 100 for something slightly more special, darling. I love you.

May 19, 2009

So my classes ended for the semester, finally, which means that I am officially a senior now. If I do find you in the next year of my life, it will be a surprise to me, because I'm not really expecting to be keeping up with too much of a social life of any kind. Guess we'll both wait a little while longer.

I wish I could ask how you have been and what's new in your life? But I think I might be waiting for a while.

I'm alone here tonight, my last roommate moved out this afternoon... and good riddance. What type of person that takes 1/4 of a bottle of dish soap home with them? Oh, K____, right. I wish I wasn't alone and could be with you, but alas.

I miss you already

May 7, 2009

As anticipated, my creative mood is virtually gone and now it's been replaced mostly with exhaustion. The semester is 2 weeks from ending, which means pretty soon I'll be a senior, writing and designing my thesis, which is both terrifying and exciting at once. I can't even imagine how much work its going to be... yet I also feel like the closer I get to finishing, the closer I get to you.

I've been thinking about marriages lately and besides the appalling divorce rate in the US, the thing that scares me the most is that the passion seems to get watered down. How do we stop that? Is there a way? Maybe not, because I just fell asleep holding this pen so that's my cue to call it a night.

Maybe we'll talk tomorrow.

February 16, 2009

My darling, I'm in a terribly creative mood tonight. Oh no, nothing that can help me with schoolwork or anything practical. More like, I want to move to a Bohemian apartment outside of Williamsburg and make a living as a playwright and cabaret singer, type of mood. I figured you should reap some of the benefits.

Brilliant, I've just succeeded in ripping the cover clean off of the pages of this book. I must remember to get some glue to fix that. Also, my milk expires today. Well, not expires, but its the sell by date... remind me to get more. And eat cereal tomorrow morning. Right.

Anyway, I have a massively strong desire to write a novel or play or something. So I'm writing you well thinking how to start. They say write about what you know, but I've not experienced much outside of the mundane.

Maybe I'm more tired than I thought.

January 29, 2009*

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Oh, I don't know, nothing in particular. The past few weeks I've been anxious. But I guess its silly to tell a book that my husband needs to hurry up because I'm lonely and out of practice being in a relationship. Silly, like I said before.

So I just sat here and read some love letters by famous people in history- painters, writers, politicians, etc. and I realized several things. Basically, technology has killed the love letter. A love text or a love voice mail are not the same, and that's very sad. Also, I realized that I can't fathom how these people can so eloquently put their thoughts into words. It may be just because I haven't felt it like that, but love seems so intangible to me, apparently it's easier than I assumed to write it.

All of these lines about love and beauty and so many describe being apart as physical pain that threatens to rend them into pieces if they cannot be with the one they love. Two halves of one living, breathing organism that cannot operate independently... and a loneliness that transcends.

I wonder, do you think its possible to ache over someone you haven't met? To hurt because you don't know how their arms feel, or what their smile looks like, or how it feels when their lips brush against your cheek? I think its possible, and I know it sounds crazy. But I sit here, and even though you're a stranger to me. Right now I may be even less than that to you, less than the smallest thought in the back of your mind. Still, I know I was created to love you and some part of me is missing because you haven't given it to me yet. So I wait for you to come and make me into who I am supposed to be, to let me love you, and to love me back. You always have all of me,

Gabrielle

August 16, 2008

I'm out of Charleston for the summer and back at school. i just finished RA training and I'm getting ready for the semester to begin. And however much I dread it, I know it's coming soon. I'm assuming you're doing something similar? Unless you already graduated. But I cannot tell, can I? I had my mom send this book to me at school this year because I felt like I needed it. I know there were times last year that I wanted to talk to you, but couldn't because the book was far away and all down south and such. It was kind of strange telling someone who talks back about this book. Obviously she didn't read it, but still.

You've got me on a pensive night, dear. My head is moving faster than my pen can but its hard to sort things out too.

I want you around, you know? I want someone to fall passionately in love with. It would be nice to not have to wonder if you're ever going to show up. (I write "ever" like I'm a middle aged woman with 5 cats) But you know what I mean, I'm so curious to find out who this man is that going to complete me so perfectly and excite me so completely that I'll never want to be away from him. Are you ever curious? Or have you not gotten that far?

[prayer preserved in the original book]

Stay safe for me, okay?

"You have bewitched me, body and soul and I love you."- Jane Austin, Pride and Prejudice

July 30, 2008 (20 years old)

Well, happy birthday to me. I am officially no longer a teenager. Finally, I guess this is what comes of hanging around older people. I haven't felt or acted like a teen in a while. But now it's official, which is nice. I'm old now.

Ok, nothing new to report, just thought I'd share with you the irrational excitement concerning today. I should be happy about birthdays because relatively soon I won't be and it'll just be another year older.

I'm completely rambling, I should go to sleep and not take up any more of your time. I love you so much darling.

July 28, 2008

I don't even know what day it is. Good start. So obviously I didn't write you after swing dancing... well I guess you can consider this "after" by a month or two. I've no real reason to write to you tonight, as it always is when I start, isn't it?

I'm a day or so short of being 20 years old. I know it isn't a huge deal, however, I will rejoice in the fact that I've managed to live through my teenage years, some of which I've managed to crystallize for you in this book. Joy!

I'm a pretty silly kid. I know I say this often, but what other chance do you have of looking at how you viewed love all the way back when you were an obnoxious preteen? It's fairly hysterical.

I've got about 60 some odd pages left in this book, so if my track record is correct, I can last another four years or so before I run out of room. Frankly, I'm surprised I've stuck with it until now. Maybe I'll actually finish this. Hmm.

How have you been lately? I hope well. Obviously I hope that. I'm still curious about you but I guess that's a penalty for writing to a question mark for six years... you get curious. I've noticed that in the last couple years I've gotten increasingly jaded and cynical about things. Maybe part of that is a penalty of living in New York, but I think part's just about getting older and learning.
I envy my sister. She still got visions of some dashing prince coming to sweep her off into the sunset in a perfectly serene fairy tale relationship where everything comes up roses. But me? Well, do you own any armor?

I guess I'm pretty much at the age where you could show up at any time, so I guess I'll have to try to be on the lookout in a positive, non- crazy way. Hm, maybe I AM a bit off-kilter. Makes things more fun.

And, well, I'm obviously getting old. It's like 12AM and I'm about done for tonight. I love you and you'll be in my prayers tonight. I promise, I won't forget you tonight, or ever.

May 31, 2008

I've got a pretty nice day planned. Gym, get a grad present for C___, go see "Sex and the City" with Danielle and A____, C____'s grad party and then going swing dancing with all the aforementioned and S_____. He's trying to teach me a little ballroom dancing. Maybe we can do a pretty waltz at our wedding? I'd like that. Though, I have trouble turning, so we'll have to stay in one place. Haha!

My penmanship is getting sloppy. Forgive me, nothing is worse that writing you something for 8+ years that you can't read. That would suck.

Just for your general information, Charleston isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm making friends and I have a job so that's good. I want to talk to you more, but I'm not so sure about what. Sometimes it's hard talking to a piece of paper in a sparkly blue book. You never answer back, which is cool when I ask you to do the dishes but not when I ask you if these jeans make me look fat... hahaha.

I hope i find you soon. Or you find me. I mean you'd think that with someone like me to come home to, you'd run here... but alas.

I was kind of a creeper at 13 years old, opening with thoughts on children, but now that I'm a big girl I've changed priorities and I can safely say that I plan on having as much sex with you as possible before I even think about having kids. How's that? Did I make your day?

Its past 2AM now, so I should sleep so I won't pass out on the treadmill tomorrow. Maybe I'll write you tomorrow after swing dancing and when I finish my devotions. I'm kind of in love with you.

May 30, 2008 (19 years old)

Good morning, dearest. It is morning even though I haven't slept yet and here I am, a year later. I just looked at what I previously wrote in the last few entries and I just want you to know that I did get that part in the play and I'm sitting here writing this in Charleston, so that's all resolved and I guess I'm part southern now.

I just wanted to say hello, basically, and let you know how crap is going and also tell you this time that I'm a little scared.

It's silly, but sometimes I feel like You'll never come. I realize that I'm 19, but in a few weeks I'll be a real, no holds barred, adult. Heather got married at 20, my mom got married at 21, so how long do I have to wait for you? At the rate things are going now I'll make a very cute, crazy cat lady... but in all seriousness, there's a part of me that says, hey, he's not coming. I know I'm no old maid- after all it's not 1750 but there's a real chance that I could be married within a few years and all I have to say is- please come and please hurry your butt up!

Also, this journal is officially 6 years and 4 days old and I think that that's the longest I have ever stuck with a single project in my life- so feel so very, very special.

[prayer preserved in original book]

PS. I got my first degree for Interior Design and I wanted to let you know that I'm working designing sets off Broadway. It's my desire to do a Broadway show someday. I'm apparently not half bad.

June 10, 2007

Hi, I just wanted to say hello. I've had kind of a somber weekend, and maybe this is just my way of processing it. We went to Utica to see my dad's grave for what might be the last time in quite some time, because now we won't be half a state away, but something closer to half a country.

It makes me sad to think about it. But we planted a few flowers by the headstone and cleaned it up a bit. It turned out to be really beautiful when we left and I hope to be able to go and see him again without too much time passing before it happens. That's a very sad thought.

Tonight I took a walk with my best friend B___ and it felt like he was saying goodbye. I didn't like that. I still have almost the whole summer left with him, yet it already feels like my heart is breaking. he's really been one of the one's who consistently has been there for me when I needed it over the last 3 years.

So yes, I'm feeling a little macabre and I'm looking to this... book... for some sensation of comfort. That's sweet, but mildly disturbing. I should call it a night, I haven't slept well for the past couple days, and right now I'm feeling every bit of it.

Goodnight, my love.

May 31, 2007

I have absolutely nothing new to say, I guess i just know if I stop and go to bed all I am going to think about is "Singing in the Rain" and whether or not I got the part of Lina and when i might get the call for it tomorrow. So nervous. Actually I'm getting the call today! So, I'd much rather distract myself until I collapse into a state of complete and utter exhaustion. You're already helping me, what a great husband!

So I guess you can just kind of ignore this as it's mostly just filler. However, I may come up with something quasi-important, in which case, I will make an attempt to distinguish it from the goo that is me talking to you today. And once again, pardon, but thanks plenty, dearest, for the diversion.

I really have almost nothing to say. I don't want to think about the show, so talking about that is out and the excitement that makes up the rest of my life really consists of, hey I have to clean my attic tomorrow. Lovely, right?

The other day, Danielle and I were going through some old photo albums, you know, for kicks, and I realize that I look back with fonder memories and have a less critical eye on my past than I ever have before. I wonder if it keeps getting more and more like that as you get older or if I was just in a better mood than usual and that was affecting me. Not that I'm complaining or anything.

Yeah, I can't even BS anything else to waste paper with at the moment. I love you. Pray for me if you think of it, baby, I could use the extra support.

May 28, 2007

So I'm just a little over halfway done with this book according to my wonderful page numbering skills. I was actually just looking over how much I changed in the last 5 years since I started writing this. Looking and laughing.

They'll just continue to get more humorous, I presume, and that's great. What good is the past unless we can either learn or laugh at it, spandex leggings and all.

Things continue to be in a constant state of evolution in my life. I'm still living in NYC, but my family is moving to Charleston, SC. It's kind of sad because my life is here. Actually, its torn between here, NY, and Utica.

We're going to visit my dad's grave next weekend or the following weekend, which I'm glad about. It's something I've had a desire to do on my own accord for a few years now, but it just hasn't happened. In fact, sometime after we meet I would really love to take you there to see it. He's buried under a tree on the top of a hill and when you look out, all you see is sky and then trees. It's really beautiful, and I think he would have liked it.

Understandably its not really my favorite place in the world to be, but I really do want to go and say goodbye for a while.

Forgive me, I have the natural ability to write a lot without saying a lot at all. About 74 pages to date. My hand is getting a little bit tired, as is the rest of me, my dear, so I'm going to, regretfully, go to bed.

I hope that your day was, all in all, quite lovely and am praying that you sleep well and have a wonderful and safe day tomorrow. I cannot wait to see you someday and not have to tell you this by writing it down: I love you. I love you now, before I know you, and I promise to love you every day for the rest of my life. You've had me for years and years before we met.

April 5, 2007

Back on spring break and I'm really lonely and discouraged tonight. You have no idea how much I'd like to just hide in your arms tonight. I really miss having someone who legitimately cares about me, and who finds me captivating and beautiful.

I guess I'm just discouraged. I realize I'm only 18, but I find myself doubting whether or not I'll actually find you. I hardly even know any straight guys, let alone any who are Christian or have the slightest inkling and are single. I just want you now. I've never been the one to want to wait. Delayed gratification is a foreign concept to me.

I just want to feel safe, and loved, and completely accepted.

What are you waiting for?

January 21, 2007

I'm not really sure what I wanted to write. I'm not sure that I really have a point to begin with. I guess I'm lonely and I have a lot to say, or think about, really.

Okay, I love you, but I guess what I'm thinking about really isn't subject appropriate for the purpose I've given this little book.

Night love

January 17, 2007 (18 years old)

Eep! It's been forever since I've written. And its funny that I never seem to forget about this book, no matter which shelf I put it on, and how much dust it collects.

Okay, I'm falling asleep. I'll write again when I wake up, slumber calls. Good night, love you.

The next morning:

So college at FIT so far has been good. Things will hopefully settle down a little bit in this coming semester now that I've figured everything out a little better than before.

One of the things God has taught me is that love is patient (1 Cor 13:4), so until I can learn to love fully, and wait for his timing, why am I pushing things? I really want to know who you are soon though. I mean, I realize with my career choice and temperament, you're to have to be a special guy, and the one that God picked out for me. That just makes you very, very interesting to me.

So I pray that your day will be productive and your plans will go well and ask God to protect you in whatever you decide to do today.

I love you, enough to keep writing this even though I have no guarantees about you yet.

April 4, 2006

It's funny, but I think this book is helping me figure out as much about myself as it is about you. I can't write long at all, school tomorrow, and I should be sleeping, really.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm still all right, all though 2006 has been somewhat gloomy for a lot of reasons. I'll get by though. It's just one of those if-you-think-about-it-pray-for-me-today kind of years so far.

Well, goodnight, that's about as inspired as I am right now. Love you.

August 26, 2005 (17 years old)

Hey, I'm up really early because of pain pills. I had my wisdom teeth out and I'm all drugged up, so i figured that I'd write a little bit to you. Wow, I've matured a lot since I started this. it's actually kind of amusing, because then I had all of these big ideas and now that I'm more "mature" I don't know anything, and I'll admit that.

Once again I don't know why I picked today to write, nothing amazing happened, nothing bad happened, it was just another day. Another boring day. I don't know. I was looking at dad's memory bin thing, that's really all that was different.

I'm happy to report that I've stayed very true with the "non-dating" thing since God helped me break off an unhealthy relationship earlier in February. I can't say that I haven't wanted to date, but I just have to trust that God'll bring you to me when the time is right. I mean, I'm only 17, that doesn't qualify as an old maid yet. I actually am a lot happier waiting for you now than I was before. I'm glad things were straightened out.

But geez! I've come to the conclusion that growing up is really, really hard work. And I hope that you've had just as much grace in your life as I have, and just as much luck too! I can't even imagine some of the things you've been through, simply because I am a girl and you are a guy. But my prayers are still with you, and always will be. I promise.

I figure that someday I'll see the effects of this journal and it makes it rewarding enough for me to sit here and love you in the midst of all kinds of unknowns- no matter what. Stubbornness is good for at least one thing, huh?

[prayer preserved in original book]

I know that my prayer will affect your life, and I'm very, very glad that God has given me this this- um- unusual desire for you. Apparently you are one rather special gentlemen, and not just in my eyes.

It's kind of funny I'm already 17 and legally I could be engaged really, really soon! I mean, my mother got engaged at 18, Heather just barely 19 and she's getting married in a year. That's soon. Half of me is bouncing up and down and can't wait, but it's nerve racking too to think that I could be so close to you and not really even know it yet. I mean, just a while ago I wrote about being scared to go to college and now I'm headed for the Art Institute of Pittsburgh after I graduate, and I can't wait! What a difference, like 5 months can make. That was only in March of this year. I guess I'll suppose that the marriage deal will be sort of the same thing. I'm apprehensive now, but when the time comes I'll be like a little Gabby in a chocolate shop. And we all know how excited I get about chocolate.

Now I just feel like talking. It's too bad you aren't sitting here next to me because then I could also keep you up at 2 in the morning right next to me.

I'll admit I'm not really certain what life holds, but I just had a thought that I've never had before. If you and I ever had a son, do you think we could name him after my dad? Sherman? I know it isn't a very popular name, but I've been told over and over that normal and predictable are boring. Now that I think about it, I really like the idea. Maybe we could even use Sherman Irving like my dad. I hope you'll be okay with this little revelation that I had, I think he'd be proud and it would really mean a lot to me to honor him like that, given the opportunity.

I'm getting ready for my senior year, which I know will fly by and each day brings me one step closer to you.

Know what? I was reminded of something tonight. I was reading the note my dad left for me, and he reminded me that my name means God is my strength. It's funny, but in retrospect, that's been, or had to be, my life's motto so far. My parents really knew what they were talking about. I mean, I have heard that names themselves can effect a person, but I just really realized how much they can. That's probably why, a lot of the time, in the Bible, God picked out names for his prophets and the like. I think that, that is very cool... it also could be because it's very late, and therefore I find everything "cool."

I feel very calm and close to you right now, and I like that feeling. It feels like God's looking over my shoulder onto these pages and I like that feeling.

Okay, I've convinced myself to go to sleep. I love you dear and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you and in your arms. Goodnight.

April 2, 2005

Know what, I've been scaring myself with talk about the future lately.

Danielle and I told each other what we thought the others' life would be like. I said she's going to end up as a Pastor's wife, with a big, white house in the suburbs, and 5-7 kids. A sitcom life. She said that I'm going to be a successful designer in downtown Manhattan, and I'm probably going to live in a modern loft there with my husband, who she thinks is going to be a CEO of sorts and 1-2 kids. Rather glamorous, huh?

Maybe it'll turn out like that but most likely not. Hey, whatever God wants is okay with me because I've learned enough to realize that what he wants is best anyway.

About the kids thing though, I think she's right. To be honest, where I stand right now I don't want to have any of my own kids. But I do want a family, so as it stands recently, I've thought about adopting. And I think that I'd really like to do that, maybe before I have my own kids. So I don't know, its something we can talk about later, right?

Hmm, I have less than 100 pages left. I better either find you soon, or write less.

Know what scares me about getting married? Not that I won't find Mr. Right or anything, but C___ said that when you get married, you become one flesh, (duh) so the male takes over the leadership role, even from hearing God... just like God acts like my husband now. I don't know about that, I mean, maybe i misunderstood her, it was a long time ago, but I'm an intercessor, and I'm beginning to see things prophetically, and God speaks to me, and I don't want that to stop or lessen because you have the responsibility to hear instead of me. That scares me the most.

It's 11:30PM and I have church tomorrow. Love you, Goodnight.

March 22, 2005

I guess I've been favoring cursive over the last year, huh? Well, I'll give your eyes a rest.

You know what? My youth leader, L____, was telling us a story and she mentioned the coolest thing. While she's sleeping, when her husband gets up for work, he prays over her. I just thought, how cool is that? I guess my picture of marriage has been badly stilted by the world, like TV and stuff. I know that I pray for you, and you might pray for me, but I guess I didn't put it together, that marriage could be like that. I guess I'm not very close to being ready, but I'm not even 17 yet, so I suppose that, that's okay. I can still be a little girl.

I can't believe I only have a year and a half left until college. I can't imagine living all by myself then! Scary, and by the way, I am going to let you know that when it comes to boys and God, I don't have a clue. I don't know how to ask because I don't want my flesh to taint the answer, and then sometimes I decide to screw everything and compromise. And let's just say that even though I've never dated, boys have left a sour taste in my mouth. So congrats, because you're going to have to be someone really special to end up with me because I am a pain in the butt, erm, I have very high standards I won't compromise.

If you can honestly answer the question, whats more important: your relationship with me or with God? with "God" then you are my guy, but I haven't found one that's answered like that, and really proved it yet. That's all I know I want. lol. Like a line in a movie said, "I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it." I thought that was cute!

I love you.

August 23, 2004 (16 years old)

Well, as you can imagine, I really don't remember what i was planning on telling you about a month ago, but tonight, well, I really don't know what I feel. Lonesome, I guess. I really do wish that people would give me hugs more. I don't know, its just that a hug expresses what most people can't say in words because it makes them vulnerable. But it's like security, and comfort or love all wrapped up into one, and that's a good thing.

Life is good, so I really don't know why I'm lonely. I guess it's from a lack of someone to talk to. M____ hasn't been around alone much and she's the only one that I trust. My mom is distant, and H____ and E____ graduated so our prayer team with C____ has pretty much ceased to be. C____ was pretty much like my mom. In that year and a half that we got to know each other, she held me while I cried about my dad, and my mom, and in frustration, and hurt, and I'm so sick of everyone thinking I am so strong. She was the only one who bothered to look past everything and help. I feel like I've lost that, and I'm scared. I know that God will take care of me, but its that human-help I want. I'm being pitiful. Forgive me, please. I just, I don't know, I need some comfort and somehow writing it down helps because it feels like I've got another person to talk to. Silly, huh? Yeah, it is.

I just cry too easily, now, that's all. Anyway, I do have a lot to be happy about and I am, don't let me mislead you. I just tend to write when things are bad and bitter, so I may be coming off as narcissistic or depressed and I'm really not. I'm very blessed and do have a good life.

I love you so much.

July 26, 2004

Well, I suppose I'm in a infinitely better mood since I've last written. Lately, God's been doing some interesting stuff in me, when we were on a missions trip to New York City. You know, I wasn't planning on telling you specifically what happened, but I think that it might be good for you to understand me and the way that I am, and how I do act some of the time. Hopefully by the time that we meet, I'll have a few more of the kinks worked out but i really don't count on being perfect, so...

In NYC God helped begin to break me of my "first child syndrome" You see, my personality is one that likes to please people and because I'm the oldest, I've been given responsibility, but not without expectation. I felt like I always had to be good in school, and I couldn't mess up. Then being good at art and drama had other expectations. Plus, I'm a strong, mature Christian and I'm on the prayer, worship and leadership teams at church, so there was pressure at home and church, you know, since I'm a pastor's kid, and I clearly can't be screwed up anyway. But the long and short of it was that there was, and is, all this pressure to be good and an example and proficient that I felt like I couldn't make mistakes, and then kicked myself if I made one. That, coupled with the fact that, for years, my mom kind of depended on me for some strength, and I liked it because I felt needed. But, all of the sudden, Ken came and I wasn't needed constantly anymore and that led to a virtual breakdown during ministry time in NY.

That's why i try to measure up, and then hide emotion. I realize that probably 1/2 of it was my own fault, and that I'm partially better now. It's something that I'll probably have to struggle with for a long time to get completely rid of. Good thing I have Jesus helping me.

Okay, well, seeing as I wasn't going to say any of that, I need to postpone what I was going to say and leave you on that note in favor of sleep, because it's rather lateish, or very early, I'll tell you what I wanted to say later.

Love you. Goodnight, er, morning.

June 5, 2004

Don't ask me why I was writing again because honestly I don't know. I've been rereading some of the things that I have written in here and its actually kind of cute. I've matured a lot in two, almost three, years. You know, I'm fifteen years old and I am 1/3 of the way done with this journal, so if I keep going at this rate, I'll be about 21 when I finish this. That's not too bad I suppose.

i really wonder sometimes if keeping this for you is a good idea. I mean, for me, it is. I always write down prayers and things, but letting you into your wife's mind when she was a teenager? Will you even be curious enough to read it? I will admit it's not exactly the most action packed thing in the entire world.

Know what, I've been missing my dad a lot recently. I don't know why specifically. I mean, its the anniversary but I don't think that's it. I have a memory box of things from him and to him in my closet. Remind me to show that to you some day. A few weeks ago my mom gave me something really special.

I guess that before my dad went to Argentina the first time he was a little uneasy and ended up writing notes to us in case anything happened. She finally showed me mine, Danielle and Chris still don't know, she wanted to tell us when we'd appreciate it. Boy did I! I mean, I know that he loved me but being eight made it harder to understand. And I guess I am glad to have gotten to take a glimpse into that, being close to sixteen instead.

He Said that God told him that he was going to do something special with me. And I think that, that's amazing that he was asking God about me when I was 5 or 6. It blows my mind how sometimes I wish I could talk to him once more, outside of heaven, and I do wonder if he can see what I'm doing (and shutter a little too). I guess at times my mind takes me to what-if-land and I just about go insane.

I hope God's led you to pray for me lately and will, because I need a hug, but that's a little impossible right now.

Well, I love you sweetie, good night.

April 17, 2004

You know, I have actually been thinking about you a lot these past few days and imagine- it has absolutely nothing to do with a boy. At this Elim prophetic conference some things came up, and one of the pastors prophesied over one girl and told her not to worry because God had an amazing husband waiting for her. And then C___ and M____ got going, as only mothers and daughters can, and to say the least, its gotten me thinking about you more than usual.

To be the most blatant that I possibly can, I'm curious about you. God never says much, well, anything, about you. Then again, I don't think I've ever really asked or really even need to for the time being. I know that God's got some cool stuff for me in the future, which makes me think how much God loves me (and you) to pick us out for each other. He probably knows what he's doing.

[prayer preserved in original book]

Well that's all I wanted to do for the time being.

February 15, 2004

Happy Valentine's day hon! Honestly I don't know why people get so worked up about it, shouldn't you love someone every day? I sure would.

Hey, be proud of me, I did the right thing this time about boys! You really are too much trouble, you know.

Well, this winter I became involved (innocently) with a guy at youth group, and we'd gone to a dance together. Even though we weren't dating everyone pretty much assumed that we were a couple, and we looked at it that way too. I think we assumed that we'd eventually be one. But I started getting checks in my spirit about the psuedo-relationship, so I prayed about it and I did get an answer. I was to act like this guy's sister and nothing more. I was also to do this with every other guy until further holy-spirit notice. I was such a chicken, that it took me a while to say anything but eventually I asked him to seek the Lord about it because I didn't want him to feel like I was making an excuse. And, woo-hoo!, God is faithful and he told him the same thing. So we're listening and I've come to the conclusion that doing what God says is not only easier, but in the long run, its a lot better feeling.

You know, I was honestly thinking why I even bother to write in here anymore. The fact that I still do must mean that you are a pretty special guy because all the prayer is pretty powerful, written a long time ago or spoken at this very moment.

Oh! One last thing. Please be careful with me, okay? I have a unique talent to have a problem with someone, yet act in a way that they won't know. And I don't like to talk about serious things, so make me if I am acting strangely.

Well don't worry about me for the time being. I can't date anyone until God says so, and you very well might be the first one- with the sense of humor God has sometimes. Heh!

Love you.

(Ps. this entry was in cursive and horrible to put in here because I could hardly read it. You're welcome.)

October 31, 2003

Hey sweetie, well I'm glad I wrote that essay before, because I don't know how I would have done it tonight. I have actually been thinking a whole lot about you lately because of the wedding, and its still a mystery to me how God's given me the capacity to love someone whom I have never met. I mean, I know you're my husband, and I love you in that respect, but it's more like I genuinely care what you're doing tonight and how you feel today, the kind of things that are impossible for me to know.

I'm starting a new study with my prayer team about being a woman of God. The last chapter was about being a Lady of Reckless Abandonment. While, I'm sure you're incredibly interested in the secrets of becoming a woman of God, I will with hold my knowledge from this particular journal and just let you know that I am working on becoming the woman that you, and God, would want me to be.

I love you

September 23, 2003 (15 years old)

Let's see? What's going on lately? Mexico was awesome, huge! God really showed me some things on that trip and, know what? Despite the heat and all the hard work it was an amazing time for me. In case you're wondering, I did get my answer eventually to my summer problem. And if you can find my journal, the purple one with the yellow flower on it, I can show you. Now we have a new challenge, oh fun!

Mom's getting married again to a guy named Ken. I like him, but its scary. I don't really know how to handle it sometimes. Mom's changing so much, sometimes it feels like I'm not even there and that being a wife is more important than being a mom. And that scares me, it scares me a lot. I've been told that my personality handles change really well, but I think that my personality looks like it handles change well, well its a mess. Right now, I'm just praying that I'll have an enlargement of heart and be able to love Ken and see him as a blessing instead of an intruder. Its harder than it sounds. Unfortunately, I'm still not 100% from dad's death yet, and it still hurts, so I'm praying about that too.

Yeah, this journal is wonderfully optimistic. Bed time, 5:45AM comes early.

Love!

July 17, 2003

It's been some time, hasn't it? It's kind of weird, but, well, I missed talking to you. Today has been one of those days where I just got slammed. I, I'm not even sure why. It's just a day where I feel alone. I know God is with me and we've talked a lot today.

Right now, I'm sitting here, and its one of those nights where I miss my dad terribly. I remember last week, we were in a store and I saw these big metal wind chimes. They made me think of him, and it was all I could do not to cry, and my stomach started aching terribly. It's not healed yet. Why isn't it better? It's been six years, and I don't understand why it's not gone yet. Is it going to be like this forever? I know God has a bigger purpose but it hurts!

I feel like I was kicked while I was down and I'm getting old issues slammed up in my face. Is that what I have to fight before I go on the Mexico missions trip? Is it that big? I know God wants to use me and I know he will because I asked. I wish you were here so badly.

I'm sorry, a lot of that probably shouldn't have been in this journal. It should be in my quiet time journal, definitely not here.

I love you so much.

April 26, 2003

Hey, the other night, my friend M____ showed me this song, and I thought it was cute so I'd put it in here. I'm trying to be that kind of girl.

That Kinda Girl by DC Talk.

Do a little role reversal and a "he's that kind of boy" type thing is what my prayer is for you, honey. well that's really all I wanted to say this time.

Love ya.

April 17, 2003

Hi, today is not going to be one of those fun entries and I'm probably going to tear up while writing it. And I want you to know that I'm sorry things went as far as they did. I feel like I'd be breaking a promise if I didn't write this in here.

Last Friday I put myself in a bad situation by a number of dumb decisions... [struck]... And well, I really want to ask your forgiveness. I'm weaker than I think, and I had no idea how hard it would be to say no, that I almost couldn't. Almost didn't. And for that I'm sorry. The Bible says to flee the sinful desires of youth, and I didn't really do that. I've already asked God's forgiveness, and now I need yours. Will you please forgive me?

That's about it. I didn't even include all the details because I feel bad enough about what I did, there wasn't a whole lot more, not really.

In my devotion, it discussed praying for generations, so I think I'm going to write a prayer for you and even for our kids if we have any. So that's what the next part is about.

[prayer preserved in the original book]

I'll talk to you later sweetie, but its way past my bedtime, way past midnight, and I have a busy day tomorrow. I love you with all my heart.

April 1, 2003

I'm sorry, but my "March time" was completely filled with "Annie" junk. The play went great, by the way. Hmm, I'm definitely trying out for it next year. I can't wait for one acts in the meantime though.

I need to rant about a couple of things. You boys are just as confusing as we are. First problem, D__. D__ is my friend and I love him dearly, but only as a friend. I mean, he's a nice guy, but we've got some really different viewpoints. My problem is that he keeps insisting that we be more than friends with his actions and insisting that we can be just friends with his words to me. I mean, I don't want to be his girlfriend and he basically won't take no for an answer. I hate it, I'm powerless. And just severely bugged by it. Pray for me? (Hey, maybe the Holy Spirit will prompt you?) I'm really worried that eventually my willpower's going to break. I'm not perfect, and I know he'd capitalize on any opportunity. That's the main reason I'm distraught. But don't worry, right now I'm praying through it myself.

The other thing that got me upset, well, I think it might not be good to put in here. It doesn't even really consider me. It considers my friend and another girl. I'm not jealous either, I helped set them up in a weird indirect way.

I just finished a book called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers that's based on the book of Hosea. (God calls Hosea to marry a prostitute) It was a really, really good book, and I don't really know what my point is here, lol. I guess the main character, Sarah, kept saying that she wished she could have come to Michael (Hosea) pure and whole. That's one of my prayers for me to you. I want to be able to give you everything.

Um, what else? I think that's going to be about it for today... also, Lion King was great!

February 20, 2003

I seem to have the whole, don't write for two months thing down pretty well, eh? What's been up? Me? Well, I tried out for "Annie" and you should be proud of your little orphan wife. School's good, we had our course sign ups and it looks like I'm going to have a really full plate. I'm taking drawing & painting, interior design, and photography amongst some other regular classes. Not looking forward to those academics at all.

My! God's been changing me so much lately its unreal. I'm so different from the last time I wrote to you, and you know what, I'm glad. I've been learning a lot about prayer, I'm joining the J.R. Prayer Team and doing a study by Kay Arthur on prayer. I'm getting more comfortable with prayer too, I mean, sure I write it in here all the time, but out loud is another ball of wax.

You know what? I'm wondering how entertaining this is going to be to read. I mean, sure, you get to see how goofy your wife was as a kid, a privilege most men do not get, but the other day to day things... is it really that interesting? Hm, well I suppose that writing it is good anyway, interesting or not!

Have you ever just been thinking and gotten lost in random thoughts? I find myself doing that often. Maybe it's because I'm an introvert of sorts, I dunno. I just keep getting lost in my own mind. Hey, I need to tell you something, I'm going to tell you here because in real life i don't like to admit it... I'm not as brave as you think I am. I'm pretty good at masking and hiding emotion, generally, that's probably why I'm good on stage. A song put it well, "I'm super girl and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know, who's gonna save me." I'm not brave. So, I don't know, do what you can to save me even though "nothing's" wrong. I'm really pretty unsure on the inside, I'm just not good at crying. Sometimes I want to, but I can't. So you be my hero, okay? Even if I deny it, I need one.

Yeah, that needed to be said. A lot. We'll its 10:30PM and mornings come early around these parts. Plus, tomorrow is when I get to go see the Broadway tour of "Lion King!!"

December 21, 2002

Hey you, it's been some time, eh? Yep, two months. The other night I was thinking about this journal, I just thought, wow, it's been quite a while since I wrote in that, and a lot's been happening. When I put it all together it doesn't seem like that though. Ever feel that way? Obviously I have.

Lately I've been busy with freshman one acts rehearsal, rehearsal for the thanksgiving dinner plays at church, worship practice, choir practice, the Christmas dance, church and school amongst other things. Okay, maybe it does seem like a lot. I'll be trying out for "Annie" soon at school, maybe I'll get a good part... that's the thing with being a freshman though.

Oh gosh, I haven't said a word to you in two months and I'm at a loss for words. Anyway, I love you, baby, time for me to go get dressed, seeing as I have a Christmas party to go to tonight with the youth group.

Love you.

October 11, 2002

Oh this is strange! Really strange! Tonight I have been thinking about love, yes love. I have not experienced it with another person, but there are so many pictures of love in books... movies... are they wrong? I know it sounds ridiculous, but to me love is like "things." Like running barefoot in a field of wildflowers, like sitting on a blanket waiting for the stars to come up, like staring up at them when they do. Like swimming by a secluded waterfall, like climbing rocks to see the most breathtaking view you've ever seen, like cuddling by a fire on a cold night. Those to me are pictures of love, real or not, and I'd like to experience them someday. I won't expect them. I know it sounds sickeningly sweet but its true, it is true.

Okay I guess I'm done ranting and I guess my final thought is this:

Love (for a girl) is when you can let your hair hang loose, not wear makeup, wear regular clothes and still have that feeling. Nothing impressive, nothing fake, just love.

October 7, 2002

I told you that i often start and stop projects, please don't let this become one of them! Let's see, what do I have to tell you. I'm a freshman in high school now. Uh, school's going okay. You know what's funny? I was reading on the internet and adding to a debate about men and women being equal from the standpoint of the Bible. Know what I said? No... they have different jobs. Huh! Never thought I'd be saying that.

I don't really know what else to talk about. Just so you know, I was really sugar high one night and made up the prospect that I had an imaginary boyfriend, second only to you. His name is Jeremiah Luke Arlington (No, not someone's name). Don't laugh, I was really sugar high! And Bored! Really! That's teenage girls for you, we get silly.

Ok, well, I'm babysitting and Chris needs to get to bed. So I love you and goodnight!

August 21, 2002

Hmm. I just read through this journal and compared myself to that of my peers. Wow, I'm different. I'm probably the only one who's thinking about you at my age. And it's crazy, a couple of months ago, I considered it crazy to do anything like this... I mean write to you... to my knowledge, we haven't even met yet. There must be something special about you for me to be doing this even now, especially now. I just keep thinking that this time there's a reason that I'm doing this. I have heard the suggestion of writing to your future spouse before but haven't ever acted on it. So why now? I suppose only God can figure me out though, seeing as most men are mystified by the opposite sex. Well, I really don't have anything else to say, maybe I just wanted to chat again.

Te amo mucho.

August 14, 2002 (14 years old)

So much has happened as of late! Even though it's only been days I already feel a year older. And its almost alarming, the rate and rapidity that things around me are changing. My family, my relationships, my life! Then again, that'd be a part of growing up and my feelings are probably completely normal. Still, I suppose that there's a part of me that still longs for the sweetness of childhood, even though I'm not completely beyond it yet. One thing that's changing daily is my relationship with God, that's a good thing I suppose, but it's mind boggling how much I know already, and how much I still have to learn.

One thing that happened recently is that God gave me a song. Believe me, my talent doesn't lie in writing songs, singing them, maybe, but not writing. Still, nevertheless, a song came to me and I titled it "Light of the world" and whenever I sing it to someone it seems like they are peering into my soul, a feeling that I have never experienced before. Strangely that feeling is one of the most intimate and wonderful things I have ever felt. But anyway, when our youth group was in Buffalo for a missions trip God kept impressing on me that, right then, we were his lights in a very dark place, and I couldn't get the song out of my head. This growing in Christ thing is a wonderful part of growing up, then again, you'll be a wonderful part in the near future too!

I should probably go now since its near 1:00AM. But hey, I don't mind sacrificing a few hours of sleep for you. That's what love is all about.

Te amo.

(later that day, 11:00PM to be exact)

I know this is a unusual occurrence, me writing to you twice in one day, but I guess I just had the feeling that i wanted someone to talk to. Since I'm alone in my bedroom, I thought this might be a good place to turn. Isn't it nice to be needed?

I don't really know what I wanted to talk about, probably was just in need of some idle chit-chat, me being a teenage girl and all. Or maybe it was something deeper. I suppose that I long for some sort of physical male affection, being that my father isn't on earth anymore. I have heard that this desire sometimes leads girls into looking for love in the wrong places. But don't worry, because number one, I'm not that stupid, and number two, I have two heavenly dads who are watching out for me. One of whom I love and miss terribly, and one of whom I love and want to meet face to face. From what I've experienced so far, I'm sure that I'll love it and him, just as I do now. Still I suppose some prayer wouldn't hurt- it never does. So might as well go through a little trouble and write one out for both of us.

[prayer preserved in original book]

Well that seems to have satisfied my longing to talk to someone. You might not have filled it at this exact moment, God did, but I'm sure you will someday. Also, excuse my handwriting. It's too late and I'm too tired to worry about neatness.

I love you.

June 22, 2002

My life has been just crazy lately, what with exams and just yesterday I found out that I was moving, not far, but any move is a big thing. Now I'm realizing that all of these changes in my life are only telling me, "you're growing up!" And I am, I'm really realizing that it might not be THAT long before you come into the picture. I could be completely wrong also. I'm only thirteen years old, but I do realize that I don't know everything. Some people say, "You have your whole life ahead of you, kid." But in reality, I'll be an adult before I know it. Right now, as I am growing up, I need all the prayer that I can get. I hope that you pray about me, but I won't condemn you if you don't. Now, and probably until I'm grown (really grown) I'll need you to pray for my faith. Pray that it won't be wavered.

I think that past relationships must be let out in order to have a happy marriage, but right now I have NONE to tell you about. Currently I'm seeking God as to whether I should be dating at all. I think he's telling me to wait. "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Song of Songs 2:7b. Right now that seems pretty clear, and that whole children obey your parents thing... dating is not a "Go" yet. I hope that when we get married you'll tell me about this kind of thing, are you waiting for me? I didn't say that to make you feel guilty, but its something to think about.

June 16, 2002

Today is father's day, so I think that I'll say a special prayer for you tonight... just think of how special this day will be to you when we are married.

Right now this whole day is hard for me, very hard, it probably will always be because I don't have a father anymore. And I'm not sure if father's day is always on the 16th, but if so, that makes it especially hard because June 17th is the day my father died... Oh, it hurts! I guess when we get married I'll be loving you extra because I never really got to do that with my dad. I just really need you to understand because I never really had an at-home male role model, so I'm hoping that you had one.

Well, I have school tomorrow, so its time for me to pray for you and go to sleep. No, I have an idea, I'll write my prayer in here, just for you...

[prayer is preserved in the original journal]

June 4, 2002

I guess that so far I haven't told you a lot about my current dreams for the future, we all have them, but I guess what makes a good life is knowing what you want and not stopping at anything to achieve it. So, all I know now is that I want to keep my grades high and concentrate on school, God, and my family. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do when I grow up, but I'm hoping it has nothing to do with me saying, "Do you want fries with that?" I was recently talking to someone and I realized just how much stuff that I may be able to do. Anything from a doctor to an actress, but, realistically, maybe an interior decorator?

Wow there are so many things that I'd like to know about you, about me, about us, about the future in general, but I guess that every moment used thing thinking and wondering about the future is one moment lost from the present, right?

I think I can afford losing some moments because of you, I already love you so much. Just wait until we meet! :)

May 28, 2002

You know, it's a hard fact to grasp that somewhere, you, my husband, are alive and doing normal stuff right now. You might be watching a movie or playing basketball. I mean, I'm 13, marriage seems so far off, like its never gonna happen. The fact is, that I might be able to count the years from now on my fingers. I imagine that you're probably in the same position as me, as a teenager, you probably never thought, "I wonder what my future wife is doing right now?"... if you have thought about it, then cheers to you! You're probably the kind of guy who thinks things over. Well, don't worry, I'm normal, just like I'm assuming you are. Wow! Talk about babbling, sorry about that. (I need to keep reminding myself to write in here, I don't want this to be another start and stop project.)

May 25, 2002

Okay, last time I said that you needed to be a strong person, but what do I need to do? Here are some proverbs about wives.

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is far more valuable than rubies."- P 31:10

"Her husband has full confidence in her all the days of her life."- P 31:11

"She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."- P 31:12

"She opens her arms to the poor and extends her arms to the needy."- P 31:20

"Her husband is respected at the city gate; where he takes a seat among the elders of the land."-P 31:22

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction on her tongue."- P 31:25-26

"She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her."- P 31:27-28

"Many women do noble things but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."- P 31:29-30

"A wise woman builds her house with her own hands, the foolish ones tears hers down."- P 14:1

"Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion."- P 11:22

"A kindhearted woman gains respect, but a ruthless man gains only wealth."- P 11:16

"May your fountain be blessed, may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe; a graceful deer- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated be her love."- P 5:18-19

"Better to live on the corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife."- P 25:24

"Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."- P 31:31

Okay, that's all I can find right now, but I want you to hold me accountable, and I promise to be the best wife ever!

May 24, 2002 (13 years old)

This all seems a bit, new, to me right now and also very weird considering that I am thirteen years old and, frankly, I have no ideas, or guesses as to who you are right now. All that I know is when I give this to you, you'll be my husband, the person that I love... I got this whole idea from a magazine, so I hope it work and I hope that I stick with it. The idea is that I'm writing this for you, my husband, and this will be given to you on our wedding day. So here we go...

I guess that I really don't know what to say. Have we met before? So I should probably start with a general kind of thing... I want you to know that I am already praying for you and our lives together. And I also want you to know that I am saving myself for you, and that I plan to do whatever is in my power to keep it that way until our wedding day. (Dear God, PLEASE help me to keep this promise!)

I'm not sure exactly how much I am going to tell you about myself when we date so, do me a favor and ask if you want to know something. Chances are that ninety eight percent of the time I'll tell you what you want to know.

I'm also wondering about you. Are you a Christian? Where do you live? What job or jobs will you have? But chances are by the time you read this, I'll already know all of these things.

Hmm, have you ever thought about that little kids' rhyme about love. Come on, you know it. Oh really? Sarah and Billy sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. See? I knew you'd remember it! Maybe we should have a little chat about the last part. Kids! Uh-oh, are you squirming? Smiling? I don't know about you, but I love kids and I want to have a family. (This has to be a unanimous agreement before it happens, obviously.) Well, right now I have a couple of names that I like. Chloe and Darrion, or Luke and Jeremiah. But that's just for now, maybe Camille? But these aren't set names or anything. Hey, depending on how you feel, I wouldn't mind adopting a baby. (Less pain for me :])

Lastly, I think that the most important thing that my husband has to be is a Christian, so we can help each other and truly live a blessed life with the favor of God.

Instructions and Explanations

As I stated in my description, this is an experiment that started in 2002... What would happen if we wrote to our future spouses before we ever met them? Will thinking about them, and helping them to understand not only who you are, but who you were, help to change the face of a relationship forever? I think it will... these are my letters to him.

I intend to transcribe my letters to him, more or less intact, so that I have a digital copy in case the book ever gets lost or misplaced amidst the shuffle of daily life. If you like what you read, then you are more than welcome to share this with me, if not... well, they probably aren't letters to you anyway.

The title will be the original date that the entry was written. I may preserve some scratch outs, I will probably change names.

If it's not your cup of tea, try my other blog, which is more.... bloggy... click on the picture to go there...