September 19, 2012 (24 years old)

It has been about a month since I took a step back and actually breathed. Tonight, I had things to do and did none of them. I will deal with the consequences tomorrow. Tonight I feel homesick, or heart-sick, or tired or something. I feel weary, but I'm not writing to complain, I promise.

Today I heard something challenging women, young women especially, to go after men who exemplify a particular verse in the Bible. This, darling, is a classic example of oversimplification, but I still wanted to share it with you. "...oh man of God, pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life for which you were called..." 1 Timothy 6:11-12

My prayer is that God will make you into this man.

1) I ask that you will pursue a wild and passionate relationship with God before anything else.
2) I ask that you will not love the world.
3) I ask that your mind and heart will stay guarded from evil.
4) I ask that you will seek clarity of vision and trust where God leads you.
5) I ask that you will be a man who prays.
6) I ask that you will begin and continue to walk in First Corinthians 13 love in all aspects of your life.

Those are my prayers for you. I don't care about anything else more than this.

I am so happy that someday you and I will get to spend the rest of our lives together. I know I don't have the slightest idea what marriage is like now, and I know that we both are going to make 300 mistakes a day. Understand this: I would rather make 300 mistakes next to you that live perfectly and be on my own.

You're my favorite part of me.


July 15, 2012

I've been thinking about you on and off recently. I'm maid of honor in a wedding... it's not a huge leap. Anyway, the other night I was half asleep and I felt like you needed me, since I was in bed I just grabbed my phone and wrote it in there... I wanted to give it to you now.

[prayer preserved in the original book]

I feel like I have the propensity to be a little too selfish and introspective with this book, and if that's the case, then I do apologize. I try to remember that this isn't mine, It's yours, and that means that I can't always high-jack it for my own plans and purposes.

Sometimes I still think I might be dreaming about you. I had another dream a couple of weeks ago, like the ones from this winter. (See February 1st) It felt the same. I'm pretty sure it's you, even though there is still no face. I assume that it isn't much of a leap to guess that you will, indeed, have a face. I'd just like to see it. Whenever I wake up from those dreams, I'm torn because I'm so happy but, at the same time, I wish I could go back, even just for five more minutes. You know?

Anyway, it's getting late, so I will bid you goodnight. Maybe you'll show up again, I wouldn't mind.

Love you, sweetheart.


May 14, 2012

I'm sorry that I only seem to talk to you when I'm sad, or confused, or pensive. Something just happened to me. I played a role in a show that I've loved for years. I feel so fortunate and blessed to have even had the opportunity to get to do it. I played a bride who calls off her wedding (I couldn't think about you when I did it). But the script talked a lot about love and relationships, so you have been on my mind.

Every night before my scene, I would walk and pace and look genuinely insane because my song was so frightening to me that I wasn't sure if it would work that night. During one performance, I looked at one of the women helping with stage crew and I told her, "I'm so afraid." She put her hand on my shoulder, looked me straight in the face and said, "If I were you, I wouldn't be afraid of anything." If she was me. I have never in my life felt so brave.

I realize that there are a lot of things that I am afraid of. I'm afraid you won't come. I'm afraid I won't find a career. I'm afraid that things won't get better than they are right now. I know that she was talking about a show, but I'm going to try to take that more to heart. I mean it's only written 100 times in the Bible. Do not be afraid... every angel's opening line.

I know that this one didn't have a lot to do with you. I think I needed to just sort things out. I know that you will be along soon and then we will have time. I cannot wait for that.


March 20, 2012

About a week or two ago I was on my commute to work and I was suddenly struck with this terrible feeling of some deep foreboding. And for the first time, a thought crossed my mind... what if he doesn't wait for me? What if he gets sick of waiting on a girl without a name and gives up?

The sudden realization that there are multiple variables in this scenario really frightens me. Myself? I can control. You? I cannot. I need to just sit back and hope that when you see me you'll know. I need to trust you. The "easy way" may not be in our cards, but I remain convinced that you and I belong together.

I spend so much time asking you to hurry that I forget I have the propensity to just stand still. I'll hurry, wait for me. I will find you no matter where you are.


February 1, 2012

I've never been a huge proponent of dreams. I know that they are quite likely an unraveling of the subconscious in random streams that keeps us from tying double knots in our consciousness, yet in the last week or two I've gotten several visits from a mysterious stranger... and my mind can't ignore the fact that he keeps cropping up. I can almost never see his face, and I never remember it when I wake up. Every time I just get the same feeling of warmth, trust, safety and contentment. Well, if it is you, please step closer to the lens. Any light you can shed on the situation would be much appreciated. Goodnight.

November 20,2011

I've never thought of myself as a romantic person, but the more I think about this book, the less I can say about it other than the idea itself is quite full of whimsy and ... romantic.

Sometimes I think about whether or not any of this will matter to you. After all, it's kind of insane to love someone when you're pretty sure you haven't met yet. Still, I hope that my words will make you feel special, needed and adored when you eventually read them some day.

Please just know that whether you show up tomorrow, or ten years from now, I've never stopped loving you.

September 19, 2011 (23 years old)

I miss you. I've had a lot of change happen in my life in the past two months and I feel like I'm growing up more. Big girl job, car... all steps in the right direction, but then I look at my relationships and I can't even fathom a possible scenario that brings you to be in the reasonably distant future, much less right now. I've never been a huge fan of delayed gratification.

Everyone keeps telling me how my early-mid twenties are the best times of my life. They say that, but in my head I wonder how it can be the best without you next to me? I know that's kind of melodramatic, but it's there... go ahead and judge.

I want you to hurry (yet again) because you're half of me and the older I get, the more certain I become that we were not created to live life alone. Sharing, fighting, loving, compromising... all of those actions shape and intensify life in a way that solitude just... can't.


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