July 26, 2004

Well, I suppose I'm in a infinitely better mood since I've last written. Lately, God's been doing some interesting stuff in me, when we were on a missions trip to New York City. You know, I wasn't planning on telling you specifically what happened, but I think that it might be good for you to understand me and the way that I am, and how I do act some of the time. Hopefully by the time that we meet, I'll have a few more of the kinks worked out but i really don't count on being perfect, so...

In NYC God helped begin to break me of my "first child syndrome" You see, my personality is one that likes to please people and because I'm the oldest, I've been given responsibility, but not without expectation. I felt like I always had to be good in school, and I couldn't mess up. Then being good at art and drama had other expectations. Plus, I'm a strong, mature Christian and I'm on the prayer, worship and leadership teams at church, so there was pressure at home and church, you know, since I'm a pastor's kid, and I clearly can't be screwed up anyway. But the long and short of it was that there was, and is, all this pressure to be good and an example and proficient that I felt like I couldn't make mistakes, and then kicked myself if I made one. That, coupled with the fact that, for years, my mom kind of depended on me for some strength, and I liked it because I felt needed. But, all of the sudden, Ken came and I wasn't needed constantly anymore and that led to a virtual breakdown during ministry time in NY.

That's why i try to measure up, and then hide emotion. I realize that probably 1/2 of it was my own fault, and that I'm partially better now. It's something that I'll probably have to struggle with for a long time to get completely rid of. Good thing I have Jesus helping me.

Okay, well, seeing as I wasn't going to say any of that, I need to postpone what I was going to say and leave you on that note in favor of sleep, because it's rather lateish, or very early, I'll tell you what I wanted to say later.

Love you. Goodnight, er, morning.