May 5, 2010

As you may have gathered, my Cinco de Mayo has not been incredibly noteworthy this year (as I sit here waiting for one of my computers to finish rendering one of my thesis perspectives)

I miss you, yes, it's possible. Last night/this morning, I had a terrible breakdown and I found myself wishing for nothing more than stability and comfort- 2 things I associate with you. Or, well, if not YOU you, then at least this book. It's been almost 8 years on my epic road to finding you and I have a sinking feeling that it might be several more years. I never wanted to be a single, career girl, it's not something that I've ever envisioned for me, but as each day marches on, it feels like that is the inevitable road I will be heading down... farther from you? closer to you? I'm not sure.

Can I tell you a secret? For years and years I've basically decided that if I ever have kids I wanted to adopt them. Recently, I've begun to have my own doubts about this but I won't admit it out loud. Right now, I have a really stong desire to have some of my own kids someday. I look at pregnancy and see this incredible supernatural bond between mother and child for 9 months. I'm not sure. Maybe it's just some biological clock ticking, telling me to reproduce so mankind can survive. Then again, maybe, just maybe it's something that's a little bit more than I'm willing to give it credit for at the moment. Don't worry, no craziness, I'm not in a rush or anything.

I hope our paths cross soon. I wonder if I'll know who you are when we meet? Probably not, I'm thick sometimes, at least half the time.

dear, I love you so much

[prayer preserved in the original book]


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