June 1, 2015 (26 years old)

I just had a small crisis upon opening this book and discovering that there's only about, well, less than twenty pages left... well, if I keep writing once a year, let's hope twenty pages is way more than enough. It's funny, I thought I wrote in here a lot more often than I actually do. I suppose I must think about it (and you) but it never makes it in here.

Sometimes I don;t know what to say. I've been watching a lot of... coupling... happen recently and I find myself caught between half jealousy and wishing I had you now, and half faith that you're coming and God's time, though radically different than mine, is perfect. I'm ashamed that I'm not 100% at the latter.

[Prayer preserved in the original book]



January 2, 2014

Hello, sweetie. New year and all, I figured it was about time or me to write to you again. Last year was just, "okay" for me. I hope that 2014 finds me closer to you. I hope that you are doing well. I wish I could just ask you about your day, or talk about TV with you or something.

You know, part of me is glad that I didn't meet you a long time ago- I've grown up so much, actually sometimes, it feels like I am a totally different person. For better or for worse. Then again, sometimes it is fun to change with someone- together.

[prayer preserved in original book] 

Want to know something silly? I haven't talked about anything silly in a while. I have a list of names and name meanings on my phone. For kids- at least I'm just an electronic hoarder. 

Caleb- faithful
Samuel- God hears
Gabriel- man/hero of God
Sherman- cloth cutter
Silas- of the forest, third
Sutton- from the South farm
Rory- red, ruddy, a famous king
Jude- praised one

Charlotte- feminine, strong
Grace- God's favor, love
Rose- like a rose
Harper- harp player
Penelope- weaver
Billie- protection
Alice- of royalty
Ivy- fidelity, eternity
Quinn- wise, intelligent
April- opening buds

Those are just some of the name that I like now- early 2014- 25 years old. Don't worry, no decision making yet.

I love you so much.


September 9, 2013 (25 years old)

It's been a while since I wrote to you. I know that, reading this, time doesn't pass the same way and it does for me writing it- but still too long. To be honest, I'm writing this because I've never felt farther from you than I do right now.

Life started... somewhere... and I feel like I'm kind of, sort of, an adult. I want real things now. I want to meet you, I want a family. I am acutely aware that writing this in a book brings me no where near closer to this. I don't know when you'll get here. I don't know how you'll get here.

Twenty five years of baited breath and here I stand. Waiting.

I've never liked waiting.


September 19, 2012 (24 years old)

It has been about a month since I took a step back and actually breathed. Tonight, I had things to do and did none of them. I will deal with the consequences tomorrow. Tonight I feel homesick, or heart-sick, or tired or something. I feel weary, but I'm not writing to complain, I promise.

Today I heard something challenging women, young women especially, to go after men who exemplify a particular verse in the Bible. This, darling, is a classic example of oversimplification, but I still wanted to share it with you. "...oh man of God, pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life for which you were called..." 1 Timothy 6:11-12

My prayer is that God will make you into this man.

1) I ask that you will pursue a wild and passionate relationship with God before anything else.
2) I ask that you will not love the world.
3) I ask that your mind and heart will stay guarded from evil.
4) I ask that you will seek clarity of vision and trust where God leads you.
5) I ask that you will be a man who prays.
6) I ask that you will begin and continue to walk in First Corinthians 13 love in all aspects of your life.

Those are my prayers for you. I don't care about anything else more than this.

I am so happy that someday you and I will get to spend the rest of our lives together. I know I don't have the slightest idea what marriage is like now, and I know that we both are going to make 300 mistakes a day. Understand this: I would rather make 300 mistakes next to you that live perfectly and be on my own.

You're my favorite part of me.


July 15, 2012

I've been thinking about you on and off recently. I'm maid of honor in a wedding... it's not a huge leap. Anyway, the other night I was half asleep and I felt like you needed me, since I was in bed I just grabbed my phone and wrote it in there... I wanted to give it to you now.

[prayer preserved in the original book]

I feel like I have the propensity to be a little too selfish and introspective with this book, and if that's the case, then I do apologize. I try to remember that this isn't mine, It's yours, and that means that I can't always high-jack it for my own plans and purposes.

Sometimes I still think I might be dreaming about you. I had another dream a couple of weeks ago, like the ones from this winter. (See February 1st) It felt the same. I'm pretty sure it's you, even though there is still no face. I assume that it isn't much of a leap to guess that you will, indeed, have a face. I'd just like to see it. Whenever I wake up from those dreams, I'm torn because I'm so happy but, at the same time, I wish I could go back, even just for five more minutes. You know?

Anyway, it's getting late, so I will bid you goodnight. Maybe you'll show up again, I wouldn't mind.

Love you, sweetheart.


May 14, 2012

I'm sorry that I only seem to talk to you when I'm sad, or confused, or pensive. Something just happened to me. I played a role in a show that I've loved for years. I feel so fortunate and blessed to have even had the opportunity to get to do it. I played a bride who calls off her wedding (I couldn't think about you when I did it). But the script talked a lot about love and relationships, so you have been on my mind.

Every night before my scene, I would walk and pace and look genuinely insane because my song was so frightening to me that I wasn't sure if it would work that night. During one performance, I looked at one of the women helping with stage crew and I told her, "I'm so afraid." She put her hand on my shoulder, looked me straight in the face and said, "If I were you, I wouldn't be afraid of anything." If she was me. I have never in my life felt so brave.

I realize that there are a lot of things that I am afraid of. I'm afraid you won't come. I'm afraid I won't find a career. I'm afraid that things won't get better than they are right now. I know that she was talking about a show, but I'm going to try to take that more to heart. I mean it's only written 100 times in the Bible. Do not be afraid... every angel's opening line.

I know that this one didn't have a lot to do with you. I think I needed to just sort things out. I know that you will be along soon and then we will have time. I cannot wait for that.


March 20, 2012

About a week or two ago I was on my commute to work and I was suddenly struck with this terrible feeling of some deep foreboding. And for the first time, a thought crossed my mind... what if he doesn't wait for me? What if he gets sick of waiting on a girl without a name and gives up?

The sudden realization that there are multiple variables in this scenario really frightens me. Myself? I can control. You? I cannot. I need to just sit back and hope that when you see me you'll know. I need to trust you. The "easy way" may not be in our cards, but I remain convinced that you and I belong together.

I spend so much time asking you to hurry that I forget I have the propensity to just stand still. I'll hurry, wait for me. I will find you no matter where you are.


February 1, 2012

I've never been a huge proponent of dreams. I know that they are quite likely an unraveling of the subconscious in random streams that keeps us from tying double knots in our consciousness, yet in the last week or two I've gotten several visits from a mysterious stranger... and my mind can't ignore the fact that he keeps cropping up. I can almost never see his face, and I never remember it when I wake up. Every time I just get the same feeling of warmth, trust, safety and contentment. Well, if it is you, please step closer to the lens. Any light you can shed on the situation would be much appreciated. Goodnight.

November 20,2011

I've never thought of myself as a romantic person, but the more I think about this book, the less I can say about it other than the idea itself is quite full of whimsy and ... romantic.

Sometimes I think about whether or not any of this will matter to you. After all, it's kind of insane to love someone when you're pretty sure you haven't met yet. Still, I hope that my words will make you feel special, needed and adored when you eventually read them some day.

Please just know that whether you show up tomorrow, or ten years from now, I've never stopped loving you.

September 19, 2011 (23 years old)

I miss you. I've had a lot of change happen in my life in the past two months and I feel like I'm growing up more. Big girl job, car... all steps in the right direction, but then I look at my relationships and I can't even fathom a possible scenario that brings you to be in the reasonably distant future, much less right now. I've never been a huge fan of delayed gratification.

Everyone keeps telling me how my early-mid twenties are the best times of my life. They say that, but in my head I wonder how it can be the best without you next to me? I know that's kind of melodramatic, but it's there... go ahead and judge.

I want you to hurry (yet again) because you're half of me and the older I get, the more certain I become that we were not created to live life alone. Sharing, fighting, loving, compromising... all of those actions shape and intensify life in a way that solitude just... can't.



May 2, 2011

I was going to make a remark about having to buy a new book soon- 33 pages left- but I saw that roughly 4 pages, 9 months ago, I said exactly the same thing. Maybe I should write to you more, in faith that if I finish this book, somehow you'll get to me sooner. I would also like to point out that I don't believe I've ever hand written 100 pages of much of anything before, so, you, darling, should feel... proud, special... you pick a nice word and embody it, I'll let you decide which. :)

I was thinking a little about songs that talk about love, which, all though they are certainly prolific, aren't always my favorite... still, ironically, my favorite love song at the moment talks about love that was lost and then sacrifice to get back to a place where the love can exist again with the other person. I started thinking that it's not really a position I'd like to be in. Standing there saying, "I'm so sorry, I had you and I missed it. I want to take everything I got, and put in between you and myself, and throw it away for one more shot." Maybe the fact that this is my favorite says something about me. Do I think true love has to be flawed in a way just to make it real? Maybe. Maybe I'm just rambling.

I hope and pray that, someday, I don't miss you. All I know is that if I voluntarily give up one minute of my life with you, I will be missing something. I hope you feel the same way.

Thinking about you.


January 30, 2011

I never thought about how much trouble I could end up getting into while I'm waiting for you, until the last day or so. I've had a few conversations that have brought to light some things I'd rather not admit about myself. And while I feel good that I ultimately made a good decision, part of it was because I was thinking about you and me, and how I want things to go someday. If I think about that, bad decisions don't seem to be worth the risk.

I know this doesn't make sense, but, thank you.

I love you with my whole heart.


September 15, 2010

The one benefit of reading through & digitally transcribing this book for the blog is that I can see where I've left holes all these years. The blog is called "Letters to Him" and I'll launch it soon now that everything is backlogged. What? It's 2010... privacy doesn't exist anymore. Ok, my real reason for doing this is so that I might be able to inspire someone else to start writing to their future spouse. Clearly, I think it's a good idea and I really believe it'll make a difference for us in the long-run.

In reading through this, I realized there isn't a lot of things that are about who I am vs. only what I think/feel... especially post-high school. So here we go, a fact finding page for Gabby at 22.

- The last book I read through was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, for the third time
- The books I'm currently reading are "The Idiot" (Dostoyevesky) and "Les Miserables" (Hugo)
- I like vanilla cupcakes with vanilla frosting, I like vanilla cake with chocolate frosting
- If you asked me now, I'd want a square cut engagement ring
- I like to sleep in underwear and a T-Shirt
- I want to be fluent in Korean and German, along with English
- I wish I could be a vegetarian, because it's better for the planet
- If I had the money to do it, I'd go build houses in a third world country
- I want to have a baby someday
- Right now, I want to name a daughter Charlotte and call her Charlie or Chuck, and a son Hunter, Caleb or Sherman
- I wish I could never buy a car
- I have an obsessive personality
- The most played song on my itunes is "The Bitch of Living" with 181 plays
- If I could get away with ordering out all the time, I would
- It takes me significantly longer to read analog clocks when compared to digital
- I have never gotten a ticket or been pulled over
- If I was given a chance to appear on Broadway, I'd do anything they asked me to, to get on stage
- One of my great grandmothers was a prostitute
- I still feel like something is going to grab my feet from under the bed when I shut off the lights
- Never move back to where you grew up if nothing is keeping you there
- I get sad every time I hear a reference to NYC when I'm not expecting it
- I could probably make a lot of money on Wheel of Fortune or Who Wants to be a Millionaire
- I hate losing at game night
- I won't use incandescent light bulbs, I take them out and replace them

OK- enough fun facts for today.

I love you, madly


September 13, 2010 (22 years old)

You know darling, if you don't hurry things along you're going to make me have to buy a new book. How dare you? This book that is in such pristine condition- and so tasteful, and classic, and timeless. Blue glitter is forever :)

Tonight I was thinking. I might turn this little book into a blog. Maybe not a public one, but it might be nice to have the whole thing digitized where it can last a while, instead of lurking on these crumbling pages. Obviously I will still write to you here, in the book, but doesn't something with legible handwriting sound great?

In other news, I miss you. I haven't had a whole lot going for me since graduation... so now you have a great opportunity to pop up. 22 is a fantastic age to meet a spouse, right?

May 5, 2010

As you may have gathered, my Cinco de Mayo has not been incredibly noteworthy this year (as I sit here waiting for one of my computers to finish rendering one of my thesis perspectives)

I miss you, yes, it's possible. Last night/this morning, I had a terrible breakdown and I found myself wishing for nothing more than stability and comfort- 2 things I associate with you. Or, well, if not YOU you, then at least this book. It's been almost 8 years on my epic road to finding you and I have a sinking feeling that it might be several more years. I never wanted to be a single, career girl, it's not something that I've ever envisioned for me, but as each day marches on, it feels like that is the inevitable road I will be heading down... farther from you? closer to you? I'm not sure.

Can I tell you a secret? For years and years I've basically decided that if I ever have kids I wanted to adopt them. Recently, I've begun to have my own doubts about this but I won't admit it out loud. Right now, I have a really stong desire to have some of my own kids someday. I look at pregnancy and see this incredible supernatural bond between mother and child for 9 months. I'm not sure. Maybe it's just some biological clock ticking, telling me to reproduce so mankind can survive. Then again, maybe, just maybe it's something that's a little bit more than I'm willing to give it credit for at the moment. Don't worry, no craziness, I'm not in a rush or anything.

I hope our paths cross soon. I wonder if I'll know who you are when we meet? Probably not, I'm thick sometimes, at least half the time.

dear, I love you so much

[prayer preserved in the original book]

January 25, 2010 (21 years old)

Last semester wasn't a good time for me, as you might have noticed by the huge gap in communication. But my thesis book is now complete and graded (I got an A). So now I worry about the design for this semester.

If you're wondering, the inside of this book is still ripped clean off the cover, and almost a year later, I still need to buy glue to fix it. Pretty lazy if you ask me.

So, how do I feel? Can i be honest with you? Discouraged. I sit here and watch my friends make questionable decisions about their relationships or whatever, and I think, I'm 21 years old, how much longer can I actually wait for him without ever being with someone else? Every day it feels less and less feasible and realistic, but then I remember that actions have consequences and I resolve to wait longer. I mean, the sex is one aspect of it, and there are a lot of others. I just feel like its the most outward thing, and, I don't know, I hope you understand what I am saying. I'm not giving up, I'm just kind of discouraged about the whole idea.

July 23, 2009

I thought I'd have something more important to say to you on the 100th page of this long letter, but I don't. And I guess that is both the charm and the failure of this little book. How do you put something into words for someone you have never met? How can you write a letter to a question mark? I'm giving it my best effort, this is for sure, which is funny, because I can't even guarantee that you'll like what I've put in here. And I know it doesn't really matter, but I hope you really do like it.

I know I asked, a few pages ago, something like, whether or not you thought that a marriage could last with as much passion as it began with. I think I have an answer for you, at least what I believe to be true. At the risk of sounding simple or deluded, my answer is yes. Yes, I think it's possible for a marriage to go on and not only to sustain passion, but to create it.

And my reasoning is simple and probably full of holes, but I feel like its possible because if I love you this much already, without knowing who you are, and if my love can grow and hold on here, then how will it be possible for me to know you, look at you, to touch you, and not to have that love grow even stronger? Because of this, I have faith. Because of this, I'm madly in love with you.

May 27, 2009

It's been a while since i remembered what boredom felt like, but I'm back in Charleston and I can't get a decent job, have hardly any friends and absolutely no love interest, and nothing new seems to be on the horizon. On the up side, I've been seized with a fierce desire to paint. I'm not sure of what or on what this painting will become, but its nagging there, an undercurrent. I wish I could go and explore more freely but only traveling with your feet or a borrowed car doesn't afford much in the way of flexibility.

I feel like there's a bit of a void in me recently and I'm not completely happy. I'm just not exactly sure why. What is it that alludes me, I'm mystified! Maybe part of it is you, maybe I'm just romanticizing everything... A literary heroine, torn in two because she hasn't yet met the man devised by the author to complete her? I used to think I was stronger than that, now I'm not so sure. I don't like feeling unsure of myself. I'm almost at page 100... after that only 43 to go. So I've got a good 2-3 years left if I keep up the same pace that I have in the past. It's still hard to believe that I've written to you for seven years now. Seven years and three days. It's funny how I used to be so sure about this, about you, and somewhere down the line everything seemed to get all muddled and a little blurry. In that respect, growing up is sort of sad. I'm sure that when I'm 40, I'll look back on this and think the same thing, oh now sweet and naive... God, I hope not.

Goodnight, I'll save page 100 for something slightly more special, darling. I love you.

May 19, 2009

So my classes ended for the semester, finally, which means that I am officially a senior now. If I do find you in the next year of my life, it will be a surprise to me, because I'm not really expecting to be keeping up with too much of a social life of any kind. Guess we'll both wait a little while longer.

I wish I could ask how you have been and what's new in your life? But I think I might be waiting for a while.

I'm alone here tonight, my last roommate moved out this afternoon... and good riddance. What type of person that takes 1/4 of a bottle of dish soap home with them? Oh, K____, right. I wish I wasn't alone and could be with you, but alas.

I miss you already

May 7, 2009

As anticipated, my creative mood is virtually gone and now it's been replaced mostly with exhaustion. The semester is 2 weeks from ending, which means pretty soon I'll be a senior, writing and designing my thesis, which is both terrifying and exciting at once. I can't even imagine how much work its going to be... yet I also feel like the closer I get to finishing, the closer I get to you.

I've been thinking about marriages lately and besides the appalling divorce rate in the US, the thing that scares me the most is that the passion seems to get watered down. How do we stop that? Is there a way? Maybe not, because I just fell asleep holding this pen so that's my cue to call it a night.

Maybe we'll talk tomorrow.

February 16, 2009

My darling, I'm in a terribly creative mood tonight. Oh no, nothing that can help me with schoolwork or anything practical. More like, I want to move to a Bohemian apartment outside of Williamsburg and make a living as a playwright and cabaret singer, type of mood. I figured you should reap some of the benefits.

Brilliant, I've just succeeded in ripping the cover clean off of the pages of this book. I must remember to get some glue to fix that. Also, my milk expires today. Well, not expires, but its the sell by date... remind me to get more. And eat cereal tomorrow morning. Right.

Anyway, I have a massively strong desire to write a novel or play or something. So I'm writing you well thinking how to start. They say write about what you know, but I've not experienced much outside of the mundane.

Maybe I'm more tired than I thought.

January 29, 2009*

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Oh, I don't know, nothing in particular. The past few weeks I've been anxious. But I guess its silly to tell a book that my husband needs to hurry up because I'm lonely and out of practice being in a relationship. Silly, like I said before.

So I just sat here and read some love letters by famous people in history- painters, writers, politicians, etc. and I realized several things. Basically, technology has killed the love letter. A love text or a love voice mail are not the same, and that's very sad. Also, I realized that I can't fathom how these people can so eloquently put their thoughts into words. It may be just because I haven't felt it like that, but love seems so intangible to me, apparently it's easier than I assumed to write it.

All of these lines about love and beauty and so many describe being apart as physical pain that threatens to rend them into pieces if they cannot be with the one they love. Two halves of one living, breathing organism that cannot operate independently... and a loneliness that transcends.

I wonder, do you think its possible to ache over someone you haven't met? To hurt because you don't know how their arms feel, or what their smile looks like, or how it feels when their lips brush against your cheek? I think its possible, and I know it sounds crazy. But I sit here, and even though you're a stranger to me. Right now I may be even less than that to you, less than the smallest thought in the back of your mind. Still, I know I was created to love you and some part of me is missing because you haven't given it to me yet. So I wait for you to come and make me into who I am supposed to be, to let me love you, and to love me back. You always have all of me,


August 16, 2008

I'm out of Charleston for the summer and back at school. i just finished RA training and I'm getting ready for the semester to begin. And however much I dread it, I know it's coming soon. I'm assuming you're doing something similar? Unless you already graduated. But I cannot tell, can I? I had my mom send this book to me at school this year because I felt like I needed it. I know there were times last year that I wanted to talk to you, but couldn't because the book was far away and all down south and such. It was kind of strange telling someone who talks back about this book. Obviously she didn't read it, but still.

You've got me on a pensive night, dear. My head is moving faster than my pen can but its hard to sort things out too.

I want you around, you know? I want someone to fall passionately in love with. It would be nice to not have to wonder if you're ever going to show up. (I write "ever" like I'm a middle aged woman with 5 cats) But you know what I mean, I'm so curious to find out who this man is that going to complete me so perfectly and excite me so completely that I'll never want to be away from him. Are you ever curious? Or have you not gotten that far?

[prayer preserved in the original book]

Stay safe for me, okay?

"You have bewitched me, body and soul and I love you."- Jane Austin, Pride and Prejudice

July 30, 2008 (20 years old)

Well, happy birthday to me. I am officially no longer a teenager. Finally, I guess this is what comes of hanging around older people. I haven't felt or acted like a teen in a while. But now it's official, which is nice. I'm old now.

Ok, nothing new to report, just thought I'd share with you the irrational excitement concerning today. I should be happy about birthdays because relatively soon I won't be and it'll just be another year older.

I'm completely rambling, I should go to sleep and not take up any more of your time. I love you so much darling.

July 28, 2008

I don't even know what day it is. Good start. So obviously I didn't write you after swing dancing... well I guess you can consider this "after" by a month or two. I've no real reason to write to you tonight, as it always is when I start, isn't it?

I'm a day or so short of being 20 years old. I know it isn't a huge deal, however, I will rejoice in the fact that I've managed to live through my teenage years, some of which I've managed to crystallize for you in this book. Joy!

I'm a pretty silly kid. I know I say this often, but what other chance do you have of looking at how you viewed love all the way back when you were an obnoxious preteen? It's fairly hysterical.

I've got about 60 some odd pages left in this book, so if my track record is correct, I can last another four years or so before I run out of room. Frankly, I'm surprised I've stuck with it until now. Maybe I'll actually finish this. Hmm.

How have you been lately? I hope well. Obviously I hope that. I'm still curious about you but I guess that's a penalty for writing to a question mark for six years... you get curious. I've noticed that in the last couple years I've gotten increasingly jaded and cynical about things. Maybe part of that is a penalty of living in New York, but I think part's just about getting older and learning.
I envy my sister. She still got visions of some dashing prince coming to sweep her off into the sunset in a perfectly serene fairy tale relationship where everything comes up roses. But me? Well, do you own any armor?

I guess I'm pretty much at the age where you could show up at any time, so I guess I'll have to try to be on the lookout in a positive, non- crazy way. Hm, maybe I AM a bit off-kilter. Makes things more fun.

And, well, I'm obviously getting old. It's like 12AM and I'm about done for tonight. I love you and you'll be in my prayers tonight. I promise, I won't forget you tonight, or ever.

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